Good Morning readers. This post when reading it may come as a shock to some, for I have kept this to myself for the last few days. so here goes…
Monday I went into work very sick, and very tired, end result was something of a breakdown. I ended up walking out and quitting. I won’t go into much detail but your more than welcome to call or comment. When i was on my way home shaking and crying realizing the biggest mistake I ever made just happened my “boss” called me. She was very sweet and understanding and knew I was having a rough time with family and health stuff. She said take some time and we will pretend nothing happened, I will not hold today against you. This gave me some relief. I went to Doctor that day. When I went to speak to my boss about coming back and when she told me I was off the schedule. I told her it was OK and I could come back normal hours. She said it was no longer up to her. So my first question is, does this count as letting me go then? I “quit”, we spoke she said job is mine, I accepted 24 hours later I am off schedule. Needless to say I plan on speaking to my District manager, and or the HR office, but until I do I’m jobless. Never would I have imagined so close to holidays I would be out of a job, this job means so much to me. I worked my ass off for this job and moved up at a great pace. I was always putting my job before other things and never would have dreamed of walking out. Yet, I did. I was not ME.
When I say it wasn’t me, I mean the body was there but the mind was not. I was a in fog as I grabbed things and left. This has been on going for sometime but I also feel I don’t have many people I can turn to. People who fully understand these emotions. When do I turn to them , i feel like a burden or a let down. Exceptionally for my family. Jose, He was so proud of me and happy to see me helping out. I am so worried this could break us too. I know our love is stronger but am I? When we first got together this was how it was. Not emotion wise but job wise. I was not working full time and I did need help, once moved in together. I know he has a lot on his plate too. I can’t use the foggy feeling as an excuse but that’s what it felt like. I felt like someone else. Matter of fact my “boss” said same thing, this is not you.
So I am starting October off pretty shitty. I feel very hurt and alone. I know I do have Jose and my family but my family has things going on too and my troubles are not theirs. My friends have their own issues they do not need mine. I just wish i could take it all back. I wish I could have foreseen this coming and stopped that girl from coming out. As I type this out my head gets all dizzy again. I do not even understand how I could do this to my family. to myself.
My doctor seems to think I have “Bipolar Depression”. The word Bipolar frightens me. I see it as if it means I’m crazy and need to be put away. It’s not a knock down of any type to those who have this going on, it’s more of an ignorant statement. When you hear of this disorder in movies and TV you see a person frantic and a little crazy. Then you see the complete opposite. Myself, I am more down. I am wanting to cry at the drop of the hat. I also made the mistake of “fixing”myself.
You see for sometime I have been on anti depressants and anxiety medicine, since Hunter was born. it was a few different ones but once I was on something that helped it stayed like this for well he will be 12 in April so almost that long. I recently about; 2 weeks ago was asked by doc. if I feel like the Zoloft was doing anything anymore? I saidI couldn’t tell you because I have never been off it. Well since Iwas on some new stuff that seemed to be helping me now, i decided to end it on my own. Cold turkey. BIG mistake I now have come to see. Not being on them took a huge toll on me emotionally and THIS may have been the cause as well.
Again the reasons I am listing is not an excuse, but more like probable cause. I am back on the medicine now, the Zoloft not for Bi Polar just yet. I feel still sad, and a lot of remorse. I also feel anger that I was lead to believe they had my back and now they don’t. I feel alone in the way of certain friends I had at work, they seem to be more team work over team worry more about my friend. I want to blame those feelings on the lack of medicine too, but in the end I feel hurt. Specially by one person. The day it happened she was all on my side but as the days went on, it was almost like she was hearing it from the boss herself and decided to try and convince me other wise. I’m not mad at this person, just hurt at the 180 they seem to have made.
The end of the day whether its yourself, or your body reacting to not being on the proper medicine or just your emotional state all together, you need to do something to fix it. I think I am on that road now, but to start all over is hard. I cry as I fill out applications knowing I did this to myself. I cry over all my hard work just forgotten. I mourn this job. I mourn this loss and honestly I feel like i am mourning the loss of me.
Not so Simple today. Not so simple at all.
Simple. 