Well its been a while. I have been a busy gal, but also a few things happening. Lets start with my health since that was my last post. I ended up back in the hospital. I was admitted for about 5 days. I ended up getting a Fecal Transplant. Yes, how it sounds is what it was. I had someones shit inserted into me. It is supposed to give me new healthy bacteria. 95% success rate and it seems to have been working. Only down side is the fact that i cant seem to use the bathroom as much as i feel like i should be. I hope it evens out soon.
Work is going well. I think i am being noticed even more by my boss and the higher ups. Makes me feel pretty good about myself. Money seems to be getting better as well, feel like i am helping with my family more. Today is my first Saturday off that i get to not have to do much. Last time it was hospital, before that it was for a shower, so its nice to be home and just be home.
My mom has not been coming anymore. She was in town Tuesday but went to my step brothers house this time, which honestly i am more than OK with. Speaking of family as much as i am supposed to just accept its the way it is and stop letting them all get to me, it does still. Lately its been on my mind a lot. Idk if its the upcoming event of my cousins wedding or being in the hospital and having not many of my family members seeing how i was, but i have been feeling kinda sad and honestly a little angry. I don’t know what i did to be treated like i don’t matter to them. I am always asking about their kids, reaching out or liking posts on FB. I feel like i go out of my way to be noticed by them and in the end almost laughed at behind my back yet right in front of my eyes. My blood sister, i have always wanted a relationship with. She was always closer to my step sister. As we got older i would try so hard to have a sister. my real sister be in my life and each time i think we hit a turning point, its blows up in my face. I am aware i have my family i make on my own. I know i have very close friends but there will always be that missing feeling of not having my blood related siblings, or siblings i grew up with ( step, half whatever) close to me. Even my own mother seems to always choose them over me. My sister’s son and her were always the fist choice of people to see when she was in town, always put first before my boys. I was always told that it is because she needed it more. She needed the “help” more. So basically me doing “well” means i don’t need my mom? I get where some people are coming from but i don’t understand the whole reasoning.
Onto another topic i am more confused about than ever. Nemo. I thought we were making some real progress. I mean blogs before this i went into everything. I even admitted the last fall out was understanding and on me. We were fine. We didn’t hang out since the night she came over, but we were in constant communication and talking and then one day, literately out of no where i am blocked again. She stopped talking to me, answering my messages. One day were laughing next day shes GONE. This time not only am i hurt, a little mad but i am confused. I can say this time i did NOTHING wrong. Does it hurt? yes. I just guess deep down as much as i know the reason last time was on me, i kinda felt like this would happen again. Just hurts. I wanted her to be there for the wedding, watch the boys grow, be a friend. I will never forget when it was good, but i also can not forget the feeling of the pain of loosing her each time. Like a bad break up, but like Taylor Swift said ” we are never, ever, ever getting back together.”
Speaking of friends. My very close and dear friend Kelly is going on her one year of sobriety. I am so happy and proud of her. I know their are unfortunate friends and people I knew who lost the battle, but Kel has come a long way. I always knew she could do it. She is an amazing mother, and friend and i am rooting for her! YOU GO GIRL! Her daughters are like my nieces. Very close to them too. Always spoil them when i can. Speaking of the word spoil..
This Tuesday was my monthly appointment to Morgansville, so on the way home my boys and I went to the Freehold mall. Hunter wanted to get Jose a stuffed Eeyore. Was super sweet, anyway i had told them they can get one thing from the store, or they can use the money in the VR game room. Hunter said i can keep the money for myself if i wanted and get the stuffed animal i want, but obv, i would never do that. He is so sweet. They ended up choosing the VR room. They loved it. I loved seeing the smiles on their faces. Makes all the bad things disappear for a moment. They are my world. I decided to have fun too, and did the VR roller coaster. Why not? I can do real ones and love them, so i thought it was slimier, prob less thrilling. BOY WAS I WRONG! After the first one i was like hmm not bad, then by the third i wanted to vomit. I am too old for that stuff, guess ill stick to the real thing ha ha. When we left the kids got to get rolled ice cream, me i was just trying to walk out the door without loosing my dinner. They had a nice time. On the way home Hunter had a small crying set back. I was so confused how he went from so happy to tears. He apparently was thinking about the next days to come. He did not want to go to his dads, wanted out of scouts again..blah blah. I asked why he was crying over it, and he said because he doesn’t wanna get in trouble for feeling this way. He didn’t want his dad to get mad and ground him, but he also wanted his dad to know how he felt. Poor kid had such anxiety over it. It makes me so mad to see them this way with their own dad. I remember when Ben was just days old, Tom, his dad “stood up” to his dad for what seemed for the first time. He was trying to tell his dad no to bringing Ben to his mom’s families house in PA. I didn’t want Ben out that young so far. His parents felt mad i was saying no and tom had to stand by my side, my choice and he was vomiting and crying over this. Makes me sad to know how bad he had felt at such an older age yet his boys are not even in the teens yet and get this way, you would think he would want better. He would want his kids to be able to talk to him without feeling this way. People tend to want better for their kids then they had. See the faults in their parents and as a parent try to be different, act the way you wish your own parents did. With my ex it feels like he is just turning into them. Exp. when it comes to scouts. The boys have been saying many many times they do not want to continue their scout journey. My ex just sees it as HE DID it, his dad forced him to continue and it needs to be done for them. Don’t get me wrong. i have no issue with scouts or the community of it all. Its a great thing for kids, but for kids who want to do it. I don’t feel a child should be forced into anything. They are kids yes and as parents we need to steer them in the right direction, don’t quit what you started and what not, but if they finish the year its one thing, but to continue re admitting them is not fair. I am all about no candy for dinner and crap like that, but having them making a choice of not doing an activity. I am pretty sure that is OK. My ex and I will never see eye to eye, or get along as much as i wish we could just move past all the pain and heartache and anger, it will never happen. Too much has happened. I have said it before I may want the kids all the time and what not, and miss them when they are with him but at least he wants to have that time. Their are fathers who want nothing to do with the kids. So as much as he angers me, he is a father who wants to be there for his sons.
Tomorrow my poop is visiting the new store with the kids. I miss her and them kiddies. I am excited to see them. Show them around the new higher class Five Below ha ha. That’s about it i think…I will try to come back a little more regularly. Drop me a comment about your life..health…ex or baby daddy/mama drama, work, whatever keep it SiMpLe.
Simple. 