Reality

Watching a very corny reality show, guilty. I love them and can only watch when Jose is in bed or not home lol. Anyway its called Yummy Mummies. Its about these Australian rich spoiled moms and I like it ha-ha. Well in it 3 of the 4 moms are all best friends and they said how cool it was to all have a baby at the same time. How it was exciting to have their kids grow up together and experiencing pregnancy together and I got a ping of jealousy and sadness. I was pregnant at 19 and had my son at 20. Then just 2 years later my youngest. During my first pregnancy I did have a small group of friends I was very close too. We hung out all the time, and even after my son was born we would always hang out, and had a standing night of poker and our TV show we loved. Slowly it started to become harder. When they wanted to go out I had to either take my son, or not go. Sometimes they would go out without me, I cant hold them back. I was a mom. Eventually we drifted apart. I have certain friends of course who are and always have been there for me and my boys since day 1. Some I met after and some since I can remember. It was hard being a young mom. Now, my kids are older and heading to teen years and pre teen and those friends are now just getting married, hell even divorced already. Some have kids some don’t. I wonder if they ever look at being a parent or wife and think about me. Think about how hard it might have been for me. I remember one specific night, it still haunts me. Ben was up ALL night. My friends had slept over, my kids father was away at school so they were nice enough to keep me company. Ben was up and crying and crying. It was so bad I had to walk out of the room and let him cry. Both friends took a turn trying to help me and they came back saying idk how you do it! They were overcome with fear. I am haunted by this because at that moment I saw why some moms loose their shit. I wanted to throw my head into a wall. I remember yelling at Ben. Screaming at this poor innocent child. I feel awful to this day. He has no recollection of this night, and never will but I remember it and it breaks my heart. When it rains sometimes that night hits me. At the end of that night I could feel the tiredness and my mind like going insane rocking back and forth in the rocking chair staring out the window. At the early morning, the rain and a very tired mommy. Worst memory ever. I wonder if my friends remember that night. Unfortunately this was one of the nights I think they really saw we were in different places. Even during some unfortunate words we had, they threw this night in my face how they could not even sleep. I know it was a long time ago but this still gets to me. Thinking you choose to stay over knowing I was a mom. I am still friendly on Facebook with the girls but I wish sometimes we could be closer again. I suppose things happen for a reason though and I will always wish them the best.

I realized tonight I have not updated about Ben yet. I made a whole post about his HW issues and grades and I never told you guys how GREAT he is doing. As and 1 B. NO MISSING work, I knew he could do it. I am so proud of him. I hope he keeps it up for the report card. He is a good kid. I def. appreciate how close we are and how much alike we are. He even started his own journal like me. He told me about it, let me read it and in it he opened up about a girl he likes. EEK lol. I am very proud of my baby boy.
So I pampered myself today. Hair and a tan. Getting ready for my weekend away. I am excited to see my friend/family. Dinner tomorrow night then a shower on Sunday. I think I will attempt a diaper cake for my sister. I cant wait to see them all. They are a big part of my life and always will be. Speaking of that Jose and I are wedding planning and I cant wait. I have to get his list of groomsman. Besides the best man and our boys. I want to make sure I have same amount of brides maids. When he first asked me I had friends I wanted to be in the wedding, exp. because how close I was with them no matter how long its been since we hung out but now that I am really planning I feel bad because I want to not have certain people in it. Not because of any fights or not being close but because I want to make sure its something I want to do, not just do because we are friends. If that was the case it would be half the guests. I do know its most def. going to be Jessie as my maid of honor, and Dana as a bridesmaids. My sisters, Not my blood sisters, but my close ones. Ones who are and have always been there for me. I have blood sister and a step sister but I am not close to them at all. I am always getting let down by them and its my big day so I wont be having them in it just because were related. Some may disagree but its my choice. I know for sure Kerry is in it, and Lauren and Nemo. I originally wanted both my cousins I am close with but they both are new mommies and out of state so them just coming is good enough for us, and I am sure for them too.
OK well it is nearly 2am. I am AWAKE but need to try and go to sleep. Before I head off just drop me a comment about being a mom or dad. Were you young like I was? How about your wedding, was it big? How did you pick you wedding party? Was It SimPlE?